Bar Bets (from Witnit)

I nearly soiled myself laughing...

http://witnit.blogspot.com/

Bar Bets
Many years ago, in my drinking days, I went to a small old Irish bar in Old Sacramento on a Tuesday night. I sat at the bar and ordered a draft. One table had three guys sitting, laughing and drinking. Otherwise it was just me and the gray-haired bartender. Probably the owner.
He wasn't in a talking mood. A baseball game was on and his eyes kept straying to the game.
Soon, a man wearing a brown fedora came in and sat nearby. He ordered a draft, smiled at me and lifted it in a gesture of friendly drinking. I raised my glass and drank.
He asked me if I was a betting man. He had a slight Irish brogue.
Not really, I said. Why do you ask?
Him: Well if you were I'd want to make a friendly wager with you.
Me: What wager?
Him: Oh, I'd probably bet you something that would be impossible for me to win.
Me: Like what?
He looked at me and said, I'd bet you $50 that I could bite my right eye. (The bartender tore his eyes from the game and looked at us.)
I laughed. That would be quite a bet.
Him: You wanna take me up on it?
I thought a moment. Seemed like something that would be worth seeing if I lost. I had plenty of cash on me.
Me: Okay, you got a bet. I don't think you can bite your right eye.
The guy took a drink, set down his glass, reached up and removed his right eye. It was a glass eye. He put it between his teeth and bit down on it.
I laughed. The bartender laughed. I paid up and asked the guy to buy me another beer. He obliged.
Then he said, I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye. You can get your money back.
I looked at him. His left eye was definitely real. The right eye looked fairly real but I could tell now that it was glass. I couldn't imagine how he could possibly bite his left eye.
Me: Okay. You got me hooked. I'll bet you hundred bucks that you can't bite your left eye.
He smiled, removed his false teeth, reached up and lightly clamped them on his left eye, and then put them back in his mouth. The bartender and I both laughed. I paid up. Just another sucker in a bar who had secretly hoped he could someday make money off these bets. But I don't want to lose my eye or my teeth. I was down $150 and had about a ten spot left.
Him: You know, I have another bet for you...
I waved him off. No, out of money, but thanks. I learned quite a lesson and had a couple good laughs.
The guy just smiled, raised his glass in a toast, and looked at the bartender, who just smiled and shook his head. The guy nodded and then got up and shuffled over to the table with the three laughing guys.
The bartender looked at me, gave me a crooked smile like, What a character, and then went back to watching his game.
After about five minutes the guy left the table and came back over to the bar. He swayed a little, like the beers were starting to affect him. He waved at the bartender.
Him: I know you might not want to hear it. But I got an interesting bet for you.
Bartender: I'm listening.
Him: I'll bet you $20 that I can stand at one end of the bar, and that you can put a jigger at the other end of the bar. And that I can piss into that jigger, filling it up, without getting even so much as a drop of piss on the bar or on anything else in the bar.
The bar was about 20 feet long. The bartender stared at him. He didn't want to do it, but it was only $20. I'd have bet if I had the money.
The bartender didn't answer and the guy said, Tell you what. If I do it you owe me $20. If I fail, I give you $100.
Bartender: Okay. You got a bet.
The bartender set up a jigger at one end of the bar, and the guy climbed up and stood at the other end of the bar. He unzipped his pants and began peeing all over the bar. The bartender started laughing. The guy zipped up, climbed down, sat, and gave the bartender $100.
Bartender (wiping down the bar and still laughing): Now you know that that was an impossible bet. Why in God's name did you make it?
Him: Well, you see that table of three guys over there? I just bet them $300 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh.